OMG it’s that time of the year. The time we come together. The time we celebrate. The time we laugh, we cry. BECAUSE THE GOLDEN GLOBES HAPPENED. The head bitch in charge of award season. Screw the Oscars, GG is where it’s at. More ridiculousness! More surprises! More booze! More of Bill Murray looking like this!
As always, I MUST share my best and worst moments. Get yourself a glass of Moet, and lets pretend we were in attendance?
BEST – ZINGERS GALORE!
I’m not a huge Tina Fey fan, but I could easily run the Amy Poehler fan club, so I was glad to see her partnered up with the Fey to ease my disdain for her. The two did a bang up job hosting, and got in some AMAZING zingers that put Ricky Gervais to shame. Take note Gervais, not everything you say has to be malicious to be an interesting host, a well timed zinger every 45 minutes can do wonders. Some of my personal faves:
“Tonight we honour the television shows that have entertained us all year, as well as the films that have only been in theatres for 2 days.”
“Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight, because he is no longer technically working in show business.”
“Anne Hathaway you gave a stunning performance in Les Miserables. I have not seen someone so totally alone and abandoned like that since you were onstage with James Franco at the Oscars.”
And of course, the biggest zinger of the night when addressing best director nominee Kathryn Bigelow…
“I haven’t really been following the controversy over Zero Dark Thirty, but when it comes to torture, I trust the lady who spent 3 years married to James Cameron.”
Which garnered a sitcom like “OOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! BUUUUURRRNNN!!!!” from the audience, as displayed here by ginger queen Jessica Chastain.
WORST – STUNT GAG FAIL
The only misstep the ladies took in their hosting gig was an oddly timed gag where one of them would add themselves to a nominee list dressed in bizarre costumes with bizarre names. It barely worked when Poehler did it first, but then Tina brought it back later as well, and it also got barely any laughs. Y’all are funny on your own, no need for skits ladies!
BEST – TOMMY LEE JONES IS HAVING NONE OF YOUR SHIT
During Kristin Wiig and Will Ferrell’s hilarious skit introducing their nominees, Tommy Lee Jones made the most amazing “bitch please” face while everyone else was roaring with laughter. Stay cool Jones.
WORST – DAMN, WHAT HAPPENED AFRICA?
Dennis Quaid took a break from filming something mediocre to show us his latest botox injections. He is looking scary. Poor Kerry Washington opted to stand quietly beside him and not make eye contact with The Thing.
BEST – MICHAEL J. FOX HAS A MINI ME
This year the awards were handed out by Clint Eastwood’s daughter, and Michael J. Fox’s son, WHO IS HIS MINIATURE CLONE. Cutest.thing.ever. Michael was there looking like a proud father, and it made me emotional. Oh mini me, can you star in a remake of Back to the Future?!
WORST – THE HOUR LOSES
I was hoping for a surprise win for the BBC mini-series “The Hour”, but alas it went to the Sarah Palin biopic “Game Change”. Predictable as fuck. The Hour is a sassy BBC series set during the cold war about an hourly news program starring flaw free Romola Garai and Ben Whishaw. It’s like Mad Men, but more British, and more spies! And we can ALWAYS use more spies.
BEST – CATHERINE SPAZZES OUT
Gorgeous Catherine Zeta-Jones came out to announce Best Picture nominee “Les Miserables” and inexplicably sang the first line of “Do You Hear The People Sing?” in the most wooden way possible, and then waited for a reaction, which was complete silence. It was awkward as fuck, and exactly what you expect a presenter to spontaneously do after a few drinks at the Golden Globes. Keeping the tradition alive. Thanks Catherine!
WORST – THEN THIS HAPPENED
Every year we gotta roll out one of the HFPA people, and this year it was this ancient woman who is the actual PRESIDENT of the entire thing. She tried to crack a few jokes but her timing was pretty off due to the fact that a) she was a 100 and confused b) they didn’t make much sense. These speeches are always so forced, it’s painful to watch. Her parting line to Bradley Cooper of “Call me maybe?” was horrific, but it did give us this reaction from The Coops, so I guess she’s forgiven.
BEST – PAUL RUDD AND SALMA ARE SPEECHLESS
After the teleprompter failed to feed them their lines, Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd forgot that they were actors who can usually make something up on the fly. Instead they ended up standing there awkwardly until everyone began laughing at them, so they joined in on laughing at their own their fail boat. Extra points for them being a smoking hot duo.
Best part was Salma trying to remember what they were presenting on her own as we hear her say “it’s something about the best….” as we cut to the nominees.
WORST – ANNE HATHAWAY’S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
I love, love Anne, I really do. But her her breathy, overly emotional speech after winning Best Supporting Actress rang false. Gurl, you know you had this in the bag, DO NOT EVEN LIE. It’s like when Kate Winslet swept up for The Reader, by the time we got to the Oscars it was a sure bet, and she still got all “ohmygodisthishappening” on us, which gets old after the 3rd time we’ve seen you win for the same role. See also Melissa Leo when she swept up for The Fighter. Get it together Hathaway, I expect a more genuine and put together speech by Oscar time. You only get this one practice round.
BEST – JOHN GOODMAN IS A GOOD SPORT
John Goodman came out to present Argo (in which he had a role) with real life Tony Mendez, in which the film was based on. Poor Tony looked terrified to be on a live broadcast and fumbled through his part, which we barely heard due to him standing away from the mic. Goodman stood by him and barely flinched or made any flick of something being wrong. I feel like Mendez would have died of embarrassment if Goodman would have tried to motion him closer to the mic or something, but instead he stood by him like a watchful giant, giving death eyes to the crowd as if to say “nobody even smirk.” Kudos to him.
WORST – SACHA, JUST BE YOURSELF
Sacha Baron Cohen made a name for himself by playing hilarious characters (Borat, Bruno, Ali G), but recently has made some good acting choices to show that well, he can act. But when he came out to present best animated film with a glass of cognac and threw out some boring one liners in a weird over the top accent, it was stupid. Sacha, we know you can be funny, don’t need to be in character all the time. Would have been nice for you to just act normal for once. We’ve started taking you seriously, time you did as well.
BEST – ADELE IS JUST ONE OF US
After winning for Best Original Song for Skyfall, Adele took the stage shrieking in delight. It was her first night out after giving birth, and you could tell. She was clearly having a riot at the party, and winning was icing on the cake. Her ecstatic “Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your world for one night, it’s amazing, we’ve been pissing ourselves laughing! Thank you to the Hollywood Foreign Press, I’d never thought I’d say that!” was adorable. The 2 second cutaway as well to Taylor Swift looking confused about not winning for her Hunger Games song was equally pleasurable.
WORST – JODIE FOSTER’S SPEECH
Some will find it inspiring, and some confusing. I just found it preachy and somewhat hypocritical. Jodie Foster won the coveted Cecil B. Demille award, which she greatly deserves. Unfortunately her speech came off rather bitter about her entire career. She went on to complain that she deserved privacy, but then proceeded to bait and tease us that she was announcing after all these years that she’s gay, but ended up making a joke instead. Listen, you want to keep your private life private, that’s totally fine. As a celebrity you don’t owe us anything. But don’t make a grand important speech about it, and then PROCEED to bait the media by pulling a stunt gag of fake coming out. Unnecessary. Also blabbering on about how you’ll refuse to do a reality show, and that you’re not “a honey boo boo child” just made you sound pity. It wasn’t funny or charming. No one wants a Jodie Foster reality show, you have nothing to worry about. You are such an inspirational woman, and I wish your speech wouldn’t have focused on such trivial things. Also bringing Mel Gibson as your date and proclaiming your love for him was uncomfortable considering he’s psychotic, and racist.
BEST – KEVIN COSTNER GETS SENTIMENTAL
Costner surprisingly won an acting award for the mini-series Hatfields & McCoys. He still looks smoking, and ended up giving quite a humble speech about his career. It almost felt like a send off (which I hope not!!!), and the room grew silent over his heartfelt words about being an actor in Hollywood.
“Short walk, long career. I didn’t – you know there’s a lot of people to thank along the way, it’s been a dream for sure […] I just wanna say this, I know the speeches don’t wanna be long on this night, but I just couldn’t help thinking the first night I came into this room. It was a long time ago, and I was an unknown actor, and the red carpet, I walked on it, and the bulbs were going and they were flashing, and photographers were yelling at the actors to look at them… no one said anything to me. I was just walking and hoping to have some kind of career and I came into this room and the lights went down, and I watched a celebration of the career of the legendary Gregory Peck. Was a good night that night to watch his body of work. I see a lot of friends out here, people that I don’t know, but people’s work that I have watched and maybe even borrowed. And it’s been a great ride, and I want to thank the Golden Globes because it is a good night to celebrate, but more importantly we get a chance to illuminate movies that people might not have ever seen, and now they will. Performances they might not have ever been seen, now they will. Thanks.”
WORST – CLAIRE DANES SHUT UP
Lets steam roll over the fact that you look amazing a month after having your baby (uuuggghhhh), but your opening line of “Wow I have to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for being so insanely generous towards me.” was soooooooo full of it I had to laugh. Basically “Ahahahaha peasants I’ve won so many times this ain’t no thang, I guess I can put this in my bathroom for decoration.” GURL YOU BETTER CHECK YOURSELF, BEFORE YOU WRECK YOURSELF.
BEST – GIRLS BEAT MODERN FAMILY
Hate her or love her, it was nice to see Lena Dunham throw Modern Family off it’s throne with her new show Girls. First she beat Sofia Vergara in the best actress category, and then took the surprise win for the big trophy for Best Comedy Series. Watching her and her co-stars rush the stage in child like glee was refreshing. Bonus points for her thanking Chad Lowe for no reason. But Lena, if you’re gonna keep showing up at these award shows, PLEASE learn to walk in heels. It was painful watching you.
WORST – JENNIFER GARNER IS WEARING A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
I love me some Jen Garner, but girl look busted in this red sparkly number. Made her boobs look whack, and her figure atrocious. Sidney Bristow, we know you can do better than this.
BEST – BEN AFFLECK WINS
Ben Affleck did not get nominated for this year’s Oscars for Best Director for Argo, but he’s been leaving a giant trail of “fuck you” now that’s he’s won the Critic’s Award and Golden Globe for best director. He did do quite a good job, so it’s nice to see him take it home. I can’t decide what’s more adorable, the fact that he forgot to thank producer George Clooney in his acceptance speech so he made wife Jennifer Garner say it before presenting her nominees, or that his kids scribbled their names on his hand for good luck. DILF. DILF. DILF.
WORST – JAY LENO SHOWED UP
Poor sweet Jimmy Fallon was paired with bloated and shiny Jay Leno to present an award. Jimmy tried to keep his cheerful persona on while they quipped about “leading others into new and exciting career paths”, but Leno’s slimy brush offs such as “or they can stay where they are, and keep doing exactly what they’re doing” ruined the gag, because you know he wasn’t joking. Thanks for reminding us that you are running the Tonight Show till it dies. Ugh get out of here Leno, no one likes you. *Insert polite laughter*
BEST – SOMEWHERE WILL ARNETT IS FURIOUS
This year a Hollywood golden couple that we thought were solid broke up. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler seemed to be living in comedy bliss, so news of their divorce was shocking. Amy Poehler is a national treasure, and no one wants to see Leslie Knope upset. But in the end, even though she didn’t win for best actress (WHICH SHE SHOULD HAVE), Amy still was the true winner of the night. She looked stunning. She had the best zingers. She rocked some serious sexy cleavage. And she canoodled with George Clooney. God speed Amy Poehler, you are a gem.
THAT’S IT FOLKS!
BILL MURRAY THANKS YOU FOR YOUR TIME.