I am sitting at the exact same place, at the exact same time, as I was last year, writing this. The difference this time though as I reflect on you is that I am entering 2013 truly optimistic. Last year I entered you hoping for things to get better. Wishing actually. Life doesn’t work that way. A deep breath and a hope for better things to come doesn’t mean anything. It’s something we use to sleep better at night. You taught me the lesson we all learn at one point in our life, we have no control. We try over and over, but what happens to us is out of our control. So here I sit at the same table, in Tofino, a few hours before midnight, the same house filled with my closest friends, and I think about you.
It’s easy for me to say I wish you never happened. It’s easy for me to think you were horrible to me. The year before now seems like a hazy dream, one where I wallowed over things that were actually in my control. When things happen that are not in your control, there is a giant dose of reality that washes over you that is equal parts frightening, and somewhat liberating. You gave me a giant dose of reality in the Spring, and then the hits kept coming. Actual hits. Hits that I could do nothing about, except accept the situation and allow all the emotions to course through my veins. All of this woke me the fuck up. Thank you. I should fucking hate you. But I don’t. You taught me life lessons that need to be learned. I can’t fault you for that. You made me feel every possible emotion one can have this year, and it’s welcoming.
So I enter 2013 optimistic. Because I’m not hoping for things to get better, I accept what hand you dealt me this year, and I’m curious to what will come. To where hidden desires that have recently been awoken well take me. Because of you. I thank you for reminding me how lucky I am. You were so fucking rough. So raw. But because of you, the sound of my friends laughing who have lost even more than me this year makes my heart warmer than anything else. Seeing my family smile at Christmas despite the hole that my Opa left gives me all the strength I need. Seeing a friend run on the beach laughing in delight and rediscovering herself after suffering the worst of heartbreaks. These are the things that make you worthwhile. You fucked us up. But we survived. And we are loved. And we are still happy.
Come at me 2013.