Well, that was the most unsurprising Oscars in recent years. Everyone I thought would win, did, with the exception of Meryl Streep taking home Best Actress. As she so correctly said in her speech “all of America are groaning right now”, but we can never hate Meryl. Never. Especially since she topped it off with a breezy “well, whatever”. Also, any sighting of crazy Nick Nolte was a plus.
That being said, the stage looked beautiful and all the celebs were in an excellent mood, so let’s get into it!
BEST – Tom Hanks, still looking like a GQMF
Last year Tom Hanks was one of the first presenters rocking some stylish glasses, this year he was the first again, and rocking a serious beard. Can this be a tradition? Can Tom Hanks always come out first? It can be a new game. “WHAT FACIAL ACCESSORY WILL HE BE SPORTING THIS YEAR?!?!!!”
WORST – Billy Crystal, please join our century
Someone found Billy Crystal and convinced him to takeover hosting duties after Eddie Murphy bailed. I dreaded him doing his same schtick, meaning inserting himself into the best picture nominees and then singing for 3 hours. And that is exactly what happened. He almost had me in the first 5 minutes when he brought out Justin Bieber (coming off surprisingly hilarious) in the “Midnight in Paris” skit, but then went downhill again. He busted out a few stale jokes before jumping into his song. That seemed to go on foreeeevvvvveeeerrrrrr. He loosened up a couple of hours later and actually managed to get out a few one-liners that didn’t seem scripted, but it was still a bust. SOMEONE GET LL COOL J AS A HOST NEXT YEAR ASAP.
BEST – Someone invited Donatella Versace
Best Art Direction winners Dante Ferretti and Francesca Lo Schiavo (for Hugo) took the stage in all their over the top Italian glory, and for a split second I thought Donatella Versace had drunkenly sauntered on stage. No, it was just Francesca who hilariously and adorably lifted her Oscar over her head and declared “FOR ITALY!!!”.
WORST – Random Movie Montage
The Oscars are already pretty bloated, so was it necessary to add a random movie montage? It wasn’t even well edited or well paced. This year the Academy was clearly pushing the theme of movies being a part of our lives by hitting us where it hurts – NOSTALGIA. Which is a great idea. We all have memories of the movies growing up, and we all remember our first times at the movies, or our experiences associated with it. But this montage instilled no feelings or excitement, or even addressed that theme. If you’re gonna go there, fucking go all out. As Ron Swanson says, “never half ass two things, whole ass one thing”.
BEST – Bradley Cooper and his creepster stache
As if rebelling from his People’s Magazine Sexiest Man Alive title, Bradley Cooper sauntered on stage with a full on creepster stache. It was a thing of beauty. Last year Darren Aronofsky’s stache was on the prowl, but I think Coops might have beat him. I stated that Darren’s was ready for hookers and blow, versus Bradley’s looks like it’s going to get drunk on peach schnapps before 11 pm and cry about its ex-girlfriend to some unassuming female at the Vanity Fair after party. Watch out ladies!
WORST – Let us transition, with awkward music interludes
Another attempt at being “hip”, the Oscars planted some live musicians (one being Pharrell Williams drumming) up on the right side balconies to play some sweet melodies when going into commercials. If you want to be hip, just bring back stoned James Franco (best part of last years awards, straight up, bitch was trolling everyone). The musicians weren’t bad, they just all looked uncomfortable and not quite sure what to do. Like if they would play one note too much someone would whip them. Maybe evil Academy board members were in the wings supervising “WHY DID WE LET THAT YOUNG PUNK PHARRELL ON THE DRUMS? WHAT IF HE PLAYS SOMETHING THAT SUGGESTS SEXUAL INTERCOURSE???”. Actually, that’s a legit worry.
BEST – Flight of the Conchords have an Oscar!
Okay, well one half has an Oscar. But still! Amazing! I didn’t grow up with the Muppets (in 1980’s East Germany, our version of the Muppets was a show about the Sandman and his friends in equivalent creepy puppet form), so the movie did not interest me, therefore I had no idea that Bret McKenzie composed the lead song for it. He was completely adorable when he accepted the award for Best Original Song, and I was praying for his partner Jermaine to come up and for them to bust into an impromptu version of “Business Time”. Now I can say I’ve seen an Oscar winner in real life, after enjoying their set back in 2008 at Sasquatch Music Festival. Get it boys!!!
WORST – How fresh, a Hitler joke
Coming back to the “Midnight in Paris” skit from the beginning of the show with Billy Crystal and Justin Bieber, can we address how awkward it was to have Crystal doing blackface?! What the hell? Everyone was all up in arms about Jlo’s near nip slip – I found this waaaaaaaay more newsworthy. No one should ever be doing blackface, it’s so strange and creepy… AND OFFENSIVE. Goes both ways too, remember the movie White Chicks? REMEMBER HOW CREEPY IT WAS TO SEE THEIR FACES PAINTED IN WHITE??? And then to make it worse, they crack the tired and obligatory Jewish Hollywood Hitler joke. Ugggghhhh can we please get a new villain joke? Damn Hollywood, I know Germans are perfect movie villains, but LAWD can we get some fresh jokes up in here?
BEST – Comedy shows everyone who’s boss
The presenters try their best with the scripted nonsense that get written for them, and those who usually succeed in being memorable are comedy actors who can take said scripted lines and add their own flair without running over time. Usually at the Oscars we get the one obligatory comedy presenter to shake things up, but this year we were treated to many talented actors and actresses to delight us with their charisma. Stand out was Emma Stone who NAILED her skit of being over the top enthusiastic about her first time presenting beside old timer Ben Stiller. The two were natural together, with Emma making everyone realize we got a true talent emerging. The girl is gorgeous, but yet still seems approachable. Her personality seems real, and her confidence is refreshing. Take note young starlets. Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis also scored with a simple but no fail physical comedy bit – by bringing giant cymbals on stage and randomly dropping them. Only Will and Zach can pull this off with their stone faces and awkward body language. Props to Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy as well for bringing back their SAG Awards drinking game (drink when you see Martin Scorcese). Them grabbing mini bottles of Grey Goose out of their cleavage and pounding back while the camera cut to a confused Martin Scorcese was awesome. Even Chris Rock came out and reminded us he’s still hilarious and doesn’t give a fuck what comes out of his mouth.
WORST – Gary get snubbed
First off, shame on the Academy for never having nominated Gary Oldman before, and MORE shame on them for not awarding him this year. The man has paid his dues countless times with amazing roles, he’s a Hollywood treasure. Please don’t start Annette Bening him. I PRAY FOR YOU GARY. I’m charmed by Jean Dujardin just like everyone else, but he ain’t no Oldman, and I don’t think he deserved an Oscar for making silly faces and tap dancing for 2 hours. THAT’S RIGHT – I WASN’T IMPRESSED BY THE ARTIST, COME AT ME. Meanwhile Gary has been in over 70 movies!!!! Like, Leon: The Professional, The Dark Knight, the Harry Potter series, Air Force motherfucking One, The Fifth Element, Immortal Beloved (PLAYING FLAW FREE BAD ASS BEETHOVEN), True Romance, JFK, Sid and Nancy, and countless more. Not saying these movies were masterpieces, but Gary was memorable in all of them. No matter how tiny or silly the role, he makes it his own and you can never recognize that it’s GARY OLDMAN. Get it Oldman, you are the winner in my heart.
BEST – Let’s remind everyone who does the most work
I love those who complain that the Oscars are mostly boring awards until the acting and best picture awards. Well, guess what, all those “boring” awards go to the hundreds of people who actually MAKE THE MOVIE. So let them have their moment. This year the Academy seemed to recognize this fact for once and decided to give them an extra well deserved moment in the spotlight. With each nomination announced, they got the famous actor or director from said movie to personally say what made them so amazing and worthy of their nomination via interview clips. It was refreshing to see people like Glenn Close admit she would have not signed on to do Albert Nobbs if it weren’t for her make-up artist, or actors admitting that their costumes is what helps them fully immerse themselves into their role. Directors confiding without their editors, there would be no film. It was heart warming sitting at home, as someone who works in the industry, to see the big wigs admit they can’t do it without us.
WORST – Actors, attempting to be real
But we can’t COMPLETELY make it about the little people, lets remind everyone that actors are real people too, just like us! Another transition into commercials was showing ~raw~ and ~personal~ interview clips of the creme de la creme of Hollywood reminiscing about their childhood experiences at the movies (playing into that nostalgia theme) and why movies are so important. Good idea, but you can’t ask actors to play it real. I don’t doubt the memories and thoughts they shared with us were real, but they are ACTORS. They can’t TURN IT OFF. All of them came off as slightly pretentious. Some were self-deprecating, which rarely works with celebs, so stop trying, and some came off with that annoying mentality that movies really ARE more important than anything else. Every actor looked like they were all thinking the same thing “My bit is going to be the best. I’m going to be the most emotional. The most raw. The most real”. Sadly, it all came off fake.
BEST – The worker bees stand out
We had a night of good speeches. Octavia Spencer (Best Supporting Actress) had that great genuine surprised reaction which prompted her to yell “I’M FREAKING OUT” once she got up on stage, Christopher Plummer had a heartwarming and genuine speech, and Meryl kept it classy with not only acknowledging crew members (she’s taken her make-up artist on every movie with her since Sophie’s Choice), but thanking all the actors in the room she’s worked with over the years, and the friendships that have developed. That being said, all the “wait who’s this guy?” winners who took home tech and creative awards, had the best speeches of the night. Usually these people are awkward and mumble through speeches quickly, or stammer on for way too long, but almost everyone had pitch perfect speeches. Some highlights were:
Best Editor winners (Kirk Baxter and Angus Wall for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) who had no idea what was happening but managed to thank “The Roons”, a.k.a Rooney Mara (star of the film), and blanked out as to what they should say next before gleefully looking at each other and saying “let’s get out of here!!!”.
Best Adaptedl Screenplay winners (The Descendants) included Jim Rash (a standout on TV’s Community as Dean Pelton) imitating the ridiculous and over the top leg stance Angelina Jolie kept making all night.
Best Foreign Film (A Separation) winner making a smart and down to the point speech about Iran without sounding overly political, and still thankful that Americans embraced Iran filmmaking.
Best Sound Editing winners (Hugo) starting off their speech with a dad joke of “you go”, “no you go” as a play on words of their film “Hugo”, reminding us everywhere that sound editors are geeks, in the best way.
Best Sound Mixing winners (Hugo) had a large man crying onstage about his win and it was extremely endearing.
Best Animated Short Film winners (The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore) had a pair of men succumb to a giggle fest of disbelief before stating “look we’re just these two like, swamp rats from Louisiana”. And these two, with their excited surprise, summed up what the Oscars were trying to shove down our throats the whole night (MOVIES! NOSTALGIA! PLEASE STILL BUY TICKETS!):
“We love the movies. We love the movies more than anything, it’s been a part of our lives since we were both kids. It’s been a part of our DNA ever since we were children, and made us storytellers. And there’s guys, there’s thousands of men and women through the generations, since the beginning of cinema, that have inspired us. And movies that moved us more than we ever knew we could ever be moved, and it’s everything we try to do every day is to honour those people and films, and we’re just down there in Louisiana and we keep on trying and going”
This is what it’s about.
SUPER BEST — THE RETURN OF CRAZY FRENCH MAN!
At the Golden Globes, Ludovic Bource won for Best Original Score, and charmed me with his crazy French accent. He took it home again, and didn’t disappoint with further crazy French ramblings.
“Can I have 10 secondz more? Sorry… I have a little speech… I’d like to thank ze Academy, with zis Oscere, you have given a man a special honor. And to all of you, please acceptz me, because I got zo much love to give. I got zo much love to give to you!”
GIVE ME ALL YOUR LOVE CRAZY FRENCH MAN. TAKE IT.