You were kind of a son a bitch, weren’t you? You kept whacking me left, right, up and down. And I know I’m not the only one, over the last few days my newsfeed on Facebook has been littered with status updates bidding you good riddance. What happened? Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed when we cheered you in? Was this planned? Did you mean to mess us all up a little, or did you change your mind somewhere in the Spring to shake things up?
I’m sure you had your reasons, maybe we all had to learn something or come out a better, wiser person from all the follies you threw at us. But I’m a little scorned, I feel like you might have been picking on me a little harder then some. Although, I know other have gone through even worse then me this year. But what happened? I thought we were both on the same page in January? I was feeling optimistic. On the heels of 2010 I was beginning to heal and move forward from what was thrown at me. I was doing really good actually. I had plans. I had hopes. I was starting to feel like myself again and then you just decided to show up. One after another you picked open old wounds. Some completely unexpected, some I knew were simmering and I had hoped to not peel of the band-aid, and some I thought would never happen this year. You took my heart and layed it an open field for all to touch, you cut open scars from my family and made me blubbering mess some nights. You know how much I hate been a blubbering mess, how idiotic and vulnerable it makes me feel.
I know walls are supposed to come down sometimes, to remind us we’re human. But I’ve had enough. Enough 2011. I get it. I learned. I grew. Learned things about myself. But now please stop. I can’t breathe anymore from the weight of thoughts and emotions that are constantly running through my head that either make me a quiet zombie, or on the verge of tears when a heartful Christmas commerical comes on. My liver is screaming for mercy from every binge I go on from the tornados that you caused. I don’t want to listen to the saddest songs anymore, I don’t want to think of scenes from you played over and over in my head and what I would have done differently late at night, I don’t want to toss and turn anymore, I don’t want to feel constantly tired, mentally unstable that causes innapropriate sad laughter fits at a sushi restaurants with Franz, and I certainly don’t want to think anymore what I should be learning from all of this. Because I have, so go away.
You’ve done a lot this year, some things I’m still angry at you for, but lets shake hands and move on shall we? I think you are exhausted too. I’ll tuck you in, we can both go to sleep. I’m calling a truce 2011. We got 2 days left together, lets make em’ count and bury the hatchet? Por favor?
So here’s to 2012 my friends, and to all those who have been reading my thoughts this year, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even just seeing “2 views” somedays motivates me to keep dreaming and working hard on my ultimate goal. The goal that will drive 2012 for me. There is a buzz in the air, the buzz of redemption and hope. The weights are slowly lifting off my shoulders and my heart is starting to feel a little lighter. Most importantly, it’s starting to focus on where it should be right now, myself.
I just arrived in Tofino. The powerful waves are crashing on the beach ready to sweep you away. I’m curious what lays ahead, but god damn I can’t wait. Here are my last words to you 2011: I forgive you.